I guess if it makes me Desperate and Pitiful....

I didn't realize that dating someone who was married and had children labeled me as desperate....or pitiful even. It really hurts to see that some of my "Friends" view me that way. I'm sorry, but I thought I was looking at the man. I'm sorry if I'm ready to be married. Not because everyone else around me is settling down, but because *Gasp* I might actually be ready to be with a man that I can see myself with on a permanent basis? God forbid that I want that for myself, and  that my "Friends" would actually want that for me.

I was more happy with a man that has three kids than any of the other guys I had dated before him. He knows what he wants, he works hard, and he knows what his priorities are.

First lesson as being a 27-year-old adult is: I don't need to explain myself. If these people, who I thought were really decent friends, can't get on board and be supportive of the things I'm trying to do, then they really aren't friends to begin with.

I can't believe some of the things I found out on my birthday. Including me being despearte and pitiful...and I just want to get married and it doesn't matter to who....If it didn't matter, then I would have stuck it out with the 30-year-old virgin, or Brad, or Kyle. I've had plenty of opprotunity to "just get married" if that's what I really wanted to do. It makes me so irritated when my friends think I'm settling. I know I've had a lot of "Dating disasters", but if you've never failed at something it means you've never tried in the first place.

Hop on board, or don't. I don't give a shit either way. I'm doing things that are true to me. That means that I'm going to have a few failures along the way. I'm okay with this, and I wish that others would be too. It just makes me realize who I can trust, and who I can't..

Wait!?!? Seriously it's my birthday??

That is not my actual cake...a girl can dream though. I'm not gonna lie kids, I'm freaking out about this birthday.

Over the weekend I would see and acknowledge the date, but I wouldn't think, "Oh Tuesdays my birthday!" like what I would normally do for every birthday. My roommate asked me Saturday what I wanted to do for my birthday, and I looked at her as though she was asking me a whole year in advance, "We have a while before we have to start talking about that." "Cass, we have three days."

I don't know why this birthday is having such an impact on me. Maybe because I have three more years until I'm 30, and I'm terrified I'm going to be in the exact same place in life as I'm in now. For those of you who don't know 30 is my scary age. It's the age where if I don't have everything accomplished that I want to accomplish then that's it. Game over. 30 to me is like Christopher Columbus claiming the world is flat. I'm afraid I'm going to fall off into a huge abyss of some greater unknown.

I definitely thought I would be in a completely different place by this age. I thought I'd be finicially stable, Have a job that I love making decent money, and atleast had one serious relationship under my belt.

I mean I'm making things happen. It's not like I'm not trying. I'll finish up shcool in August (By the time I finish my externship). Finicial stability will come with the better paying job, but the long term relationship.... I don't know what to think about that. I know the guy I want, but can't have. I always said by the time I'm 30 if I wasn't married and had kids then I wasn't going to. I realize that with each year that goal seems a little less attainable.

 *Sigh* 27, be kind to me.

5 Stages of the Single girls grieving process.

I am a genius....Some may disagree, but I have formulated a process or stages, if you will (And I will), of the Single Girls Grieving process. We all know about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. As much as I would love to slap this on a piece of paper and call it my own.I realize it's different when you get your heartbroken. In my most recent experience I realize this is not what takes place; It's a whole different ball game when a man breaks your heart.

The 5 Stages of the Single Grieving Woman:

1. The Crying stage - You cry. That's all, at the drop of a hat. You listen to your saddest songs on your iTunes just so you cry. People come up to you and say something simple like, "How are you?" and then water works start. Luckily for me, my crying stage lasted from Saturday to Monday.


2. The "I Don't Give a Shit" stage - After the crying finally stops and you can actually manage to have a decent thought process you go into a depressive stage. Nothing makes you happy, nothing makes you smile. You can't, or don't want to feel anything because you've spent the last-who-knows-how-long crying your eyes out. You're mentally and emotionally exhausted. On the plus side, you've probably lost about 10 pounds because you've also stopped eating (Hey, right now you're looking for a bright spot, any bright spot...choose your battles I guess)


3. The Blame Stage - If the guy wasn't a complete asshole then you try to find someone to blame, anyone really. Blame the mailman, or the guy that brings the lunch trolley around. Anyone will do really. Blaming someone is easier to do than dealing with the hurt you're faced with right. Blame the dog cause they'll love you regardless, and they'll still want to snuggle with you.


4.The Mad Stage - You get mad at the asshole (Even if he wasn't an asshole to begin with he broke your heart right!?!) who broke your heart. " That son-of-a-bitch will rue the day he broke my heart!! He'll rue it I tell you!!" or, "Who the hell does he think he is??" You get angry in your brain. Again, getting mad at the man will make it easier to deal with the pain. I say, let the obscenities flow.


5. The I'm Fabulous Stage - You realize that you are a fabulous woman. Now, since you've lost 20 pounds since you're appetite has not since returned from the "I don't give a shit" Stage, you need to change something. You get a new wardrobe or you change your hair. Something so you're a little bit different than the person you were before. I changed my hair. Long and blonde, to short and dark. The price to pay to change who you are. This is the end stage before you return to a somewhat normal state.

See, I told you I'm a flippin genius. Now since I've broken it down, I'm off to cure the world of cancer or solve world hunger or something like that...Actually, I'm off to get started on a paper for my Diversity in Society class (lame I know). The next 15 weeks can go by as fast as they want to...that's all I'm sayin'.

Tell me when you hear my heart stop....Tell me when you hear my silence

Three weeks was all it took for me to fall in love. I hate myself for letting it happen, and I don't regret it. If I could rewind and do it all over again, I would. Even with the heart break I'm left to deal with now, the constant stream of tears that won't seem to end, and the fact that my mind won't let my body get any rest. I'd do it over again. It was the most wonderful three weeks I've experienced, and as much as I would have loved for it to continue, I realize that it cannot.

They say when you least expect it, it happens and it did. I never expected this, and I wasn't looking for it. It was a hit and run and now I'm left to pick up the pieces. This story doesn't have a happy ending kids, but I need to get this out. This wasn't supposed to happen and it did. I met this amazing truly wonderful man; very kind, and extremely gracious. A man, that when I walked into a room that was it. I was the only one there. A man, who would give me one look, and all those butterflies would start to flutter.... What does it matter now?

I don't hate him, and I don't think that's the impression I'm giving off. I respect his decision. I would have made the same one if it had been me in his position.. Or would I? I'm a very curious person, but I can say with confidence I would have made the same decision. He needed to do what's best for him and the people who this effects. I want him to do what makes him happy. I want the best for him and his; he deserves it.

My bed doesn't feel the same without him. Last night I was so cold and couldn't warm up, and I was hoping that I would just feel his arms around me; to feel him next to me. I know, it's only been three weeks, I know it may seem that I'm over reacting, but what I feel for him is strong and very real. He's a great man, and I went in head first, with out consequence.

I just want to know why. Why did we have this chance meeting to have it end like this? What was the purpose of this? I would really love to know God. What was your plan for this? I was happy; content even before this happened. It knocked me on my ass, and I'm having a hard time picking myself back up. I need to. I have to. I'm starting my last semester tomorrow, and I need to be focused.... Need to be, but probably won't be.

I need to work on getting over him. I need to accept that he's not coming back, and I need to move on; pack up all the feelings and put them back in their case. Maybe one day I'll get them back out. I'm choosing not to be optimistic about it.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love”. -Neil Gaiman

I don't hate love, I hate the feeling it leaves you with when it goes.

Here we go Cass, one step at a time.

Graduations and the Indian.

On December 4th, I had the wonderful pleasure of seeing my most favorite love, Tara, graduate from Nursing school. I rode with Amanda and her BF Jason, and it was a pleasant time. We didn't stay for long, but I saw her graduate, maybe I held back a few tears as I saw her waddle her 8 month pregnant belly up to the stage to recieve her pin, that her grandpa helped pin to her jacket, and we left. Now this particular Sunday was a Sunday that I worked, and so I had that next Monday off. I decided I wasn't ready to head for home yet, and I was feeling like I was lookin' Migh*T*Fine, so I had decided that if my most favorite bar Z's wasn't busy I'd stop in for a beer and some buffalo rolls.

I drove around the joint first to scope out the scene and it did look pretty dead, so I parked my car and headed in. Now the rectangle bar is situated right in middle of the room, there are boothes right when you walk in off the the left and off to the right side of the bar are all tables. When you walk in you look at one of the short ends of the rectangle, and so I decided to situation myself at one of the bar stools at that end of the bar. I knew the bar tender working, so I felt safe leaving my jacket and purse at the bar while I went to the bathroom. I gave my drink order to Nita, and walked around the side of the bar were the boothes are. Now, I'm a pretty observant person I think, so I did notice the gentleman setting in the first booth; I noticed that he was an Indian man, and I noticed that he was giving me the eye.

Over the years I've begun to realize what the eye means. When I first got the eye, I thought maybe this person thought I was incredibly ugly.... ya know like so ugly you couldn't turn your eyes away from them, you had to stare at them just because they were so ugly (Yes, I have great self esteem!!) Then I thought that maybe I had something on my face, or even *gasp* in my nose! ( I think that is the most embarrassing thing ever is when you have a big ole boogy in your nose for the world to see.) Back then, I didn't know when someone was hitting on me or if they really were. I was that oblivious to it. Over time though, I learned what the eye ment, and this Indian man was definitely giving me the eye.

When I returned from the bathroom this man had moved his seat from the booth to the bar about 5 seats down from me. "Awesome" is what I thought. Now, I'm not opposed to dating outside my race, but a person from that part of the world has a completely different belief system then I do. Not even religion either, but how they treat their women. It's not bad, but they expect the women to be very submissive, which I don't mind out to a certain degree. I feel in order for me to submit to a man they need to earn it out of respect.

Anyway, so this man starts talking to me (Of course I saw it coming a mile away) and I make small talk, but pretend that I'm more interested in the football game then anything.... As the night progresses he goes out for a smoke and I send this text to my friend Amanda, "Since I left you, my night has taken a terrible turn. I have found myself at Z's being hit on by an Indian man."

When the man came back from his cigarette break, he sat even closer to me. He even started putting his hand on my back on rubbing my arm... *Roll the eyes* Just because I'm talking to you doesn't give you permission to start touching me. After a while my friend Lauren comes to my rescue....Kinda. As much as I'm trying to talk to Lauren this man keeps interrupting and then after I've almost completed my second beer, and I'm contemplating ordering a third this man goes, "How many of those have you had tonight?" I looked at him and said, "This is my second....why?" "Well, becuase those are not very good for you." My thought process was...I'm going to punch him.....Yep, he can fuck off....mixed with a couple other thoughts that seem cloudy to me now. I said, "Excuse me, but they aren't any worse than that cigarette you went out to smoke." How fucking rude, You don't know me why are you lecturing me about my alcohol consumption. Then he proceeded to want to talk about how much I made at my job. None of your damn business is what I responded with.

Needless to say I was thrilled when this man left, and I was left to indulge in my unhealthy habits.... Go back to China bitch is what I really wanted to say.

Can you see my vagina?

Of course you can't because it's hidden with the camo under roo's!

How did I come across these camoflaged pantaloons?? My mother!! Can you believe my mother bought me lingerie!

I discovered these when my mother had sent me home with a bag of "scrubs". Now, when she handed over this bag she stated scrubs. She made no mention of sexy under pants. I get this bag home, and neglect to look through it for probably about a week. Then the magical day came when I actually had a day off and had time to look through it, and to my amazement I found the above pictured panties. Now, I HATE the word panties, for whatever reason it sounds feminine and stupid. BUT they are panties! I mean look at them! they're frilly and camoflaged!

I didn't come across them at first, infact they were the last pair I lifted out of the bag, and if I remember correctly I think I laughed and then gasped. Why would my mother buy me such a pair of underwear? Does she think she raised a harlett? Who in the hades would I wear these for?

I mean I don't have a lot of sexy underwear, and when I do decide to get it on it's not like the clothes are left on for a long time. I mean I just don't understand why my mother bought me such a pair of underwear!?!?! It's not like they're comfortable enough to wear like day to day. When I think, "What underwear can I put on today to run to the supermarket." my brain does not automatically jump to the camo under roo's that are sitting in the under roo drawer. No, no, no I definitely think of something more sensible to put on.

When I asked my mother about the under roo's she said she bought them for her, but didn't really like them, so she thought she'd give them to me. "Who do you think I'm going to wear these for?" I asked her, "Well, I hope not for anyone!" Now, she knows that I'm not some innocent virgin the fact is that she thought I'd wear them for someone. Iyiyi.....What's going to happen next.

I did secretly wear them out Thursday.....The guy I'm dating now really likes them ;o)

Christmas can bite me!

Now, I'm not an ebenezer (sp?) Scrooge! But I do have a problem with the holiday season. I just can't stand it. I hate the snow and the cold, and the snow and the cold, and I did I mention the snow and the cold??? I wasn't ment to live in colder climates. I don't know why my ancestors decided that Michigan was going to be a lovely place to settle down. Seriously, why couldn't they have decided that they wanted to travel several hundred more miles the west...why couldn't one of them say "Let us see what is on that island made by volcanos, were grass skirts and coconut bras are appropriate forms of dress." If that were the case perhaps I'd be bitching now because I live on and island where the sun shines all the time.... I doubt it.

I know I'll get this every where, no matter where I move, but I hate christmas advertisements. Christmas isn't portrayed as family togetherness anymore or coming together to celebrate the birth of Christ. It's all about stuff. How much you can buy, and how much you should buy. Why do we need a reason to buy gifts for people? Why do we need to buy someone a new lexus to prove to them how much we love them?? "Here I love you here's a new Lexus!" First of all, if I had money to buy a Lexus my bitch ass would not be buying anyone but myself a new Lexus.

Maybe the reason for my scroogy-ness is the fact that I have a job that pays in peanuts (and not real peanuts either those packing peanuts that are made of styrofoam) They don't pay enough for me to take a vacation and they sure as shit don't pay me enough to buy christmas presents.

So I say Bah humbug to the materialistc aspect of christmas.

Maybe one day I'll actually like the holiday season....from the beach of my ocean front property :0)

Soccer Ball!

This is not really about a soccer ball, but I wanted to do something that would get your attention :0)

I've been literally doing homework all day long. I need a break, and I felt like blogging. Aren't all you readers lucky!

I'm getting to that point where I'm having a hard time getting motivated to get my homework done. I'm so ready to just be finished with school. I have one semester left of classes and then next summer I start my externship, but I'm just ready to be done with it all. On the plus side, I can graduate next spring. I just need to decide if I want to walk again or not. I'm definitely ready for it.

I was concerned about working and doing my externship at the same time, but I think I'm just gonna take a month or two off and get my externship done, and not have to worry about working, or getting stressed out about trying to work and do my externship at the same time.


On another note, I have been day dreaming all day about moving to North Dakota with Mr.Knight..Why!?!? That would never happen, and he would never ask me to go with him, so why do I obesses about it? Why does he get to me so much?? I want him to be mine so badly...I have so many things that I want. It's damn near pointless.

He Puts Me On A Cloud

*Sigh* Why does one man have the ability to irritate the living piss right out of me, but make me  happy all at the same time? This guy isn't even mine, but he makes me feel like no other man has been able to do. I've been contemplating walking away from this abnormal friendship that he and I have. Do I stay and wait? Or do I go and hopefully find someone who makes me feel like he does? I guarentee that there won't be a guy out that who can. Believe me, I've had three failed attempts. I don't want any more failed relationships.

Tonight, I texted this aforementioned man and asked him if he was moving to Wyoming. I know this seems like a completely random and ridiculous question, but about 30 minutes before this text message was sent, I had gotten another text message from a guy (who I've never met, but we've talked several times about getting together for dinner, It never worked out however), and he said that he had gotten a job in Wyoming....I thought he ment the city of Wyoming. Nope! definately ment the state. I had never ment this man before, but I was shocked. He doesn't know how long he's going to be there for, and for some reason my mind automatically went to...(I'm trying to think of a nickname for him, something like Mr.Big, but not so Sex and the City.....Well, for now let's call him Mr. Knight.) Mr.Knight, all I could think about was him packing up and moving to Wyoming and not telling me about it. I know it sounds dramatic, but that would truly devestate me. So this is where the random text message comes in. I occasionally like sending Mr. Knight a random text; I think it's a personality quirk that he secretly likes about me. Anyway, He  responded with a yes, and I told him that I hope he was joking becuase I'd come to Wyoming and punch him in the face.

We talked for a second, and he mentioned that he wanted to go to North Dakota and work in an oil field...I understand the need for change in someone's life, but an oil field really?? In North Dakota no less. They have the coldest winters ever! Then he asked me to come, "Come with me" was his response, and I got that instant feeling in my stomach. Ya know, it feels like someone lit off a fire cracker in there. It makes you nervous, but the good kind of nervous. I know he was probably only joking, but if he really seriously asked me to go with him - I would. I would in a heartbeat. Mind you, if this were a real situation I would tell him that we needed to go under the circumstances that I was more than a friend. I would not leave my family and friends behind to move half way across the country to live with my friend.

This is why I wish he were more open to discussing things. I try not to push it, or bring it up. Maybe he's just waiting for the right time to talk about it. Or, perhaps I have a severe case of wishful thinking.... If I could only read minds.

A Person Can Live Without a Head....Right!?!

Day 2 of the Hangover, and I'm not talking about the movie. I'll admit I did over indulge Friday night, but a two day hangover is just ridiculous! I need to finish my outline for my speech today, and atleast get the power point started, but I seem sluggish, and my pounding head is not helping matters.

I've been trying to eat, but my stomach is still very flippy feeling. In 48 hours I've had two pieces of toast, and some soup. I've been drinking water to make sure I'm staying hydrated. Ugh I hate feeling like this, and truth be told I had four cocktails and two shots (not strong ones). I could drink the same amount of alcohol next week, and have a completely different reaction. I hate that! I hate that I could drink the same amount of alcohol five different times, and have five completely different reactions. My body needs to make up it's mind. Not just about it's wishy washy tendencies with the alcohol consumption, but with other things as well.

Maybe it's because I'm not very consistent with my body, so my body lacks the consistencies that I look for. I'm not saying that I'm going to be drinking mass quantities of alcohol on a regular basis. Oh god, that makes me wanna vom. My liver hates me today, and I can understand why. I swear it's one stiff drink away from cutting it's self out of my body. I haven't been this hungover in probably about a good year or so, and I can say with much confidence that I do not enjoy it.

I need to finish this speech outline, and take a shower....I just wanna lay down and take a nap. :0(

I'm a sad little kiddo today.

I didn't get the job at Farmers....


Two years ago today a woman I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to left.
I didn't really get to understand her until a year before she died, when she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. To see her fight and stay positive day after day was amazing to me. Given those circumstances I would have buried my head in my pillow and cried.


She was a true fighter. The strength she exuded throughout her battle was nothing less than courageous. I embraced every moment we got to have with her. Even when her death was nearing our family came together. In those times I know seems weird to say, but our family had never been closer. We all came together to be there for her; to wait until she was ready.  I only wish I could be as brave as she.

The memories I have of grandma are very insignifant. There isn't one specific memory I have. I remember her coming over to mom and dad's and we were all on the deck, and she was so cold and wrapped in so many blankets I couldn't help but laugh. I remember the camping trips, and mom trying to give her her shots, and I remember her and Mike came over to have dinner, and I showed her how I folded T-shirts. I remember seeing her smile, and thinking of Grandpa Soules. I remember when Chanse was born and she couldn't get over how much hair he had. I remember the sound of Chanse's voice when he called her GG. I still remember how relieved and unbelievably sad I felt when she finally did leave us. It brought tears to my eyes then, and it brings tears to my eyes now. I will forever miss her, and I only hope that one day I'll be able to see that wonderful crooked smile again.

I'm Alive.

Fear not, I am alive, even though Laura did not call me back! If she thinks I'm just going to call once and leave one little message she can think again. I'll call everyday for the next two weeks if that's what it will take to secure this job!

On another note I would like to discuss babies, and men. And we all know that you can't have babies without men, or maybe you could. It all depends on if you feel confident enough to march into a sperm bank, and demand some random man's sperm be injected into you which, I do not, so this point is moot. HOWEVER. I would like to send a congrats to my two friends who have joined the ranks of motherhood. It has surprised me how many women I know that are pregnant this year, 5 to be exact, and two of them have had their babies. Two are due in November and my very favorite love is due right around my birthday in January. It weirds me out honestly that this stage of ourlives is happening. Seeing all my friends fall in love and get married and have babies.... or have babies and get married I mean sometimes the egg comes before the chicken, and I'm okay with it. Sometimes I feel like life is one big boat race, and everyone is working in their teams to get to the finish, and I'm stuck at start because I've lost my orrs, or perhaps they fell in the water, or maybe I forgot to bring them. Either way I am orrless.

Let me first of all say that I am not seeking to be in a relationship right now, but I'm....silently observing. I'm looking to see what's out there. I've been viewing the men on the online site I'm apart of, and I look at these guys, and read their profiles and I can't even picture myself with them. Like in my mind I see me smiling with like a dog at my side, ya know looking quite happy and content and then next to me is the blank cut out of what would be man with his arm around me, and we look completely happy and blah blah blah, what I'm getting at is that every man I put in the blank cut out space doesn't look right. Like I don't fit with anyone. Has anyone else felt like this?? I mean I do know of one guy that would fit in there quite nicely; however, I feel like he doesn't know what he wants, and he doesn't like to talk about feelings and emotions. That situation is more complicated then what it's supposed to be, and I don't know if I want to wait for him to come around (cause that could literally be forever) or if I should see what's out there. Like I said I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but I'm not planning on being single forever either.

I mean I do want kids eventually, and I'm outright opposed to going to a sperm bank, and asking for their finest specimen. I'm completely happy for all my lovers who have found love. I guess all I can do is wait....as patiently as I can for something that I feel is so uncertain.

On a happier note I was a baking fool tonight. I made two loaves of white bread (which turned out quite delicious) and I made some more M&M cookies, and so I don't gourge myself on them I plan on bringing them to work tomorrow. Also on a happier note I only work three days this week...thank God!

I can't wait two weeks!!

The suspense alone will kill me, and I'm not just being dramatic, it really will!

What am I going on about you ask yourselves. Well, I'm waiting to be propositioned. Not like that! but from hopefully a future employer. You see, I applied at Farmer's insurance, to work in the call-center, and They actually called me for an interview! I met with the Recruiter, Laura was her name, very nice girl. Just over a week ago. Last Friday I actually got to interview with the supervisors. It was a rigarous two hour interview. With NASA designed tests and puzzles and even a sword fight with some big black man named Tito...Just kidding! But it really was a two-hour interview; however, I think the interview went well...I think, but they told me and the two other people that it was going to be two weeks before we heard anything. This makes me nervous. I can't wait two weeks!! I called the recruiter today to see if she had discovered any late breaking news reguarding this, but she has yet to call me back.

The last time I interviewed with Farmer's I got an e-mail two days later saying that they were going to pursue other candidates... Now, every time a new e-mail dings in on my phone. I get that pang of nervousness. Like you don't want to look, but you know you have to. Thankfully, they've all been junk mail.

Why am I so determined to work in a Farmer's insurance call center? Better financial security. The pay is much better than where I'm at now, and I hear the benefits are pretty good. I know I'm nearly done with my Medical Assisting degree, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Living paycheck to paycheck is the understatement of the year for me. It'd be nice to work somewhere where I get a yearly (performance based) raise. It'd be nice to work somewhere that I could actually have a savings account, and actually be able to put money into it.

Keep praying for me friends...Also if I don't post anything by tonight, someone come check on me. It might be possible that I have infact died from the suspense.

My computer is about to die, and I feel the need to bake some more white bread.

No Work Tomorrow...Let the Wine Flow.

Well I must say, I've had a nice quiet evening at the HoEs (My roommate and I call our home the Houseman Estate AKA: HoEs). On my return home from my parents I stopped and decided to pick up a bottle of wine....well, two bottles, they were on sale. I've been sipping on my wine reading People and doing the crossword. I honestly like doing the People crossword. It's easy enough to do, and if you get stumped you can google the clues :o)

There were two articles in this edition of People that sparked my interest. One being about the Kardashian/Humphries split and the other one being about a woman who was married to a serial killer for 13 years, and didn't even know it.

Now, I know everyone is over the Kardashian drama. I know that I am, but I do have to throw my two cents in. I don't understand why some people think that divorce is an easy way out? I understand that situations happen in a marriage, and it comes to an agreement that a divorce would be the best possible choice. I think that a lot of people are too quick to jump into marriage. Marriage is not to be entered into lightly. I'm not just talking about Kim Kardashian I'm talking about every woman, or man out there who just wanted to get married and it didn't matter to who. You can't be happy pretending to be happy, and trying to convince yourself that this is the person you want to be with. Believe me, I did it for 7 months. I wanted to get married. I wanted to be married. I wanted to be someone's wife. The best thing about Kyle was that he was going to give me what I wanted. I spent the better part of the last three months of my time with him convincing myself I could be happy with him; convincing myself I could be happy being married to him. I felt horribly when I ended things with him. For breaking his heart, but I had to do what was right for me, and pretending to be happy wasn't working anymore.

I just think that when you take a vow infront of God and everyone you should mean it. When you say "I Do" it's not for the foreseeable future, or until it gets too tough for you to handle. It's for life. No one ever said that marriage is easy, and that's something I would do well to remember too.

The article I read about the woman who was married to the Green river serial killer actually scares me a little bit. This woman was married to this man for 13 years, and she had no clue what he was out doing. Over the course of 20 years he's responsible for the deaths of over 70 women (although he only confessed to 49 of them). It scares me to know that no matter how long you know someone for, you never really know the real person. I can only imagine how devastated she was when she found out the love of her life was a serial killer. It scares me to the point of not wanting to get to know anyone else. You don't know what people are capable of, and that's scary.

Well, it seems my wine is gone, and my people crossword is half completed. Until tomorrow kitty cats...

I hate the B.C.!!

And I'm not talking about the comic strip either! I have been on Birth control since March of this year, and I have not been satisfied! Three days periods?? Nope not for this Spinster! Try like 7 or 8 day periods, and they happen when they're not supposed to. I'll admit I haven't been able to get to the drug store this week to pick up my scrip, but its only been three days since I ran out.

I've got the kind where you don't have a period for three months, well I have had one....every month, even twice a month since I started it. I hate having a period its embarrassing and not to mention so entirely gross. Does anyone else get blood all over themselves?? After one trip to the bathroom I feel like I need to bathe in scalding hot water.

That's it get me a knife a sewing kit and a bag of ice, sorry mother, but my reproductive organs have got to go!

In The Beginning There Was A Spinster.

A young spinster if you must know, at the ripe ole age of 26....

I know what your thinking, there is no way that a 26-year-old female could be a spinster. Well tough shit! I've decided that I'm going to be the exception to this rule. I've also decided that it's not going to be a perminent gig either just until I decide I don't want to be single anymore. Which, let's get real it could be like 3 months from now or 3 years (I pray to God it's not three years, but it could be so batton down the hatches kids this could be a bumpy ride!) So, I've decided I'm going to start my Spinsterhood early.

As a new Spinster I've decided to brush up on my cooking skills. Most of my co-workers and friends are privy to this, and I'm proud to say that I've made some very delicious things. I even made banana bread for Den Den (sigh). I want to try salt curing a ham. Now, I know that you can buy perfectly good hams in the store, but Salt curing something is a very valuable skill. What if I do perchance become a Spinter?? I would have to move out to the middle of nowhere and live off the land. This means I would have some farm animals, and it might come to the degree where I would have to salt cure something. I mean I know my imagination is running away with things as usual, but you get what I'm saying.

Also as a new Spinster, I've decided to be celibate. I know you're ready to check me into a pychiatric ward, but I assure you I'm completely sane. I know it seems crazy, but I have my reasons for it. I don't want anymore partners, and the next man I decide that I want near my "Danger Zone" is going to be someone that I want to marry. Like Seriously I want to marry. See, Not so crazy!

Well, that's all for this Spinster, as it is past my bedtime.