Three weeks was all it took for me to fall in love. I hate myself for letting it happen, and I don't regret it. If I could rewind and do it all over again, I would. Even with the heart break I'm left to deal with now, the constant stream of tears that won't seem to end, and the fact that my mind won't let my body get any rest. I'd do it over again. It was the most wonderful three weeks I've experienced, and as much as I would have loved for it to continue, I realize that it cannot.
They say when you least expect it, it happens and it did. I never expected this, and I wasn't looking for it. It was a hit and run and now I'm left to pick up the pieces. This story doesn't have a happy ending kids, but I need to get this out. This wasn't supposed to happen and it did. I met this amazing truly wonderful man; very kind, and extremely gracious. A man, that when I walked into a room that was it. I was the only one there. A man, who would give me one look, and all those butterflies would start to flutter.... What does it matter now?
I don't hate him, and I don't think that's the impression I'm giving off. I respect his decision. I would have made the same one if it had been me in his position.. Or would I? I'm a very curious person, but I can say with confidence I would have made the same decision. He needed to do what's best for him and the people who this effects. I want him to do what makes him happy. I want the best for him and his; he deserves it.
My bed doesn't feel the same without him. Last night I was so cold and couldn't warm up, and I was hoping that I would just feel his arms around me; to feel him next to me. I know, it's only been three weeks, I know it may seem that I'm over reacting, but what I feel for him is strong and very real. He's a great man, and I went in head first, with out consequence.
I just want to know why. Why did we have this chance meeting to have it end like this? What was the purpose of this? I would really love to know God. What was your plan for this? I was happy; content even before this happened. It knocked me on my ass, and I'm having a hard time picking myself back up. I need to. I have to. I'm starting my last semester tomorrow, and I need to be focused.... Need to be, but probably won't be.
I need to work on getting over him. I need to accept that he's not coming back, and I need to move on; pack up all the feelings and put them back in their case. Maybe one day I'll get them back out. I'm choosing not to be optimistic about it.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love”. -Neil Gaiman
I don't hate love, I hate the feeling it leaves you with when it goes.
Here we go Cass, one step at a time.
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